By Mayrav Estrin
Have you ever had a screaming fight with your Mom about a minor disagreement that somehow turned huge, and now you are grounded? How about a dressing room altercation because she didn’t like the shirt that you had fallen in love with? Has she ever not let you do something all of your friends are doing? Ah, teenagehood. It’s the best of times and the worst of times. It’s the time of proms, driver’s permits, cliques, and hormones, and during this sometimes tumultuous time, your relationship with your Mom can be challenging in ways it wasn’t only a few years ago.
Adolescence – when a person grows from a child into an adult – is a time of significant physical and emotional developmental changes. During this era, young people strive for independence and autonomy while navigating the challenges of proving their identity. One of the key reasons why relationships with mothers can become tough during adolescence is because of this push for independence. A few years ago, you needed your Mom to pick you up from school to drive you to playdates. Now you’re asking her to drop you off a block from school so your peers don’t see you with her. This power shift is confusing because you are coming closer to becoming equals as you become an adult and crave autonomy in a way you haven't desired before. This shift in behaviors and rituals is tough for mothers and their children. Adolescents may feel like their mothers are overprotective or trying to control their lives, which can lead to conflict and tension. At the same time, mothers may feel like their children are pulling away and becoming distant, which can be difficult for them to accept. There was a time when you needed your mother to do everything for you. You needed her to eat, required her to bathe you, feed you, etcetera. But as a teenager, you may crave spending more time with your friends than your family. This can inevitably lead to a deep, alien feeling of disconnection between a mother and her child, not to mention that intense hormonal changes can lead to mood swings and emotional turbulence, which can make communication challenging and institute misinterpretations.
If you struggle with your relationship with your mother during adolescence, you are not alone. It’s more than expected to deal with problems such as miscommunication, varying expectations, power struggles, and personality clashes. Mothers and children may have different expectations for the relationship and each other. While mothers may anticipate their children to follow a particular direction in life, the child may want to pursue their own interests and passions. These differences in expectations can create tension and conflict. Past trauma or issues can strain the relationship between mothers and children. For example, if a mother or child has struggled with addiction or mental health matters, this can impact the relationship. Character contrasts can also contribute to complex relationships between mothers and children. For example, your mother may be very strict and structured, while you, her child, are more laid back and spontaneous, creating tension about small and large matters. It’s important to remember that communication is key, and it’s important not to bottle up these intense feelings you may be having.
While these times may be challenging, try to remember that this is a normal part of the developmental process, and this will not be permanent if you and your mom agree to work on your relationship. Find activities you like to do together! See a movie, grab lunch, or do something with her that you enjoyed as a child; you may still enjoy it! With good communication and understanding, the relationship can emerge stronger on the other side. A willingness to work through challenges is the best way to strengthen relationships of any kind.
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